By Casey Coughlin, Chief Clinical Officer and Co-Founder, LYNC Institute
Behavior is information, not identity.
If you consider behavior to be communication, then what are people around you trying to say? What are you saying with your behavior?
When we understand behavior as a means for communicating our needs and desires, we can choose to see and approach behavior differently. If we take an initial stance of unconditional positive regard (Rogers, 1957), we too are communicating something. We are communicating that we are, 1. Assuming the other’s actions and words reflect what they are feeling and experiencing, and 2. That their feelings and experiences are valid.
If we set aside the byproduct that is behavior, we can see there are legitimate reasons why others feel the emotions they feel, and why they act the way they act. If we can teach ourselves to see others’ words and actions from this viewpoint, it can fast forward us beyond contention, resistance, and defensiveness, and bring us more quickly and gracefully to the resolution stage. How we respond to others’ behavior is how we communicate through our behavior.
Whether you are a professional in a helping field—such as social work, nursing, or teaching—or a parent, mentor, or organizational leader, the principle is the same: when we respond in a way that communicates a genuine desire to understand the reasons behind another person’s behavior, that person may feel safe enough to lower their defenses. When we approach them with sincere curiosity, compassion, and without judgment, we create space for reflection and honest communication. Asking, “Why is this happening?” can help them pause, consider what is driving their behavior, and explain their experience more effectively. This process can also help them contemplate more honestly how their behavior affects others.
For example, does the proverbial 8th grade student genuinely want to respond disrespectfully to their teacher in front of their peers? Or are they grasping at an unmet need? Do they understand how others perceive their behavior? Or are they too busy protecting themselves to see it? If we can help this hypothetical student, for example, see what is happening, the cycle that their behavior is driving, and the unwanted natural consequences that result, we can lead them to course-correcting their behavior for their own inherent benefit. But first, we need to be able to understand what their behavior is communicating. We need to be able to see differently to then respond differently.
So often, our behavior simply reflects what we fear, and what we are guarding ourselves against. In this example of an adolescent student, fear of being left behind their peers academically and socially may be what is driving them to disrupt the learning environment, or to respond combatively. First, we can work to understand them, then we can communicate how we understand them, and only then can we guide them to course-correct.
If we take a stance of unconditional positive regard, commit to teaching through natural and not punitive consequences, allow them to lead the way, and stay engaged, we can see others’ behavior as communication, and we can respond more intentionally.
To see and respond differently, use the LYNC Values in Action.
Unconditional Positive Regard (UPR). Take a stance of curiosity. Ask “why is this happening”, and assume without passing judgment, that there is an underlying ‘why’. Assume there is a valid reason for the resulting behavior. And communicate your understanding of this so the other person can let down their guard.
Natural Consequences. When we commit to teaching through natural consequences, we take a step towards empowering the other, and enacting their person-led journey, which in this case is their course-correction of their behavior for their own inherent value. In allowing natural consequences to do the teaching, we also lessen conditions of power and control, which often simply perpetuate reactive and defensive behavior, and often reinforce a ‘struggle-for-power’ dynamic. Highlighting natural consequences and allowing them to decide, teaches that they are in control, and they no longer need to fight against consequences imparted by others, or the narrative that they are at fault. They can choose their path and their natural consequences.
Person-led Journey. Having the autonomy to make our own choice is a common desire. Having the confidence to lead our own journey requires collaboration along the way, and often to feel empowered to lead our own way requires borrowing belief from somewhere or someone. You can be someone who sees the person’s behavior differently and responds to it differently. You can respond with curiosity, compassion, and understanding. That is your behavior communicating. And responding this way builds safety and trust, which are the scaffolding that leads to confident self-determination, and the readiness for a true person-led journey.
Active and Sustained Engagement. Along the way, there will be bumps in the road, and there will be regression. That is all part of learning and practicing. Our engagement can be the catalyst for using the regressions as lessons (reflecting on natural consequences) that lead to the next progression. When our engagement stays active and sustained, particularly in the low moments, in the times where regression does occur, our behavior is communicating then too. Our unwavering engagement communicates unconditional positive regard. It communicates that our belief in them is steady; we expect them to bounce back, and we are not going anywhere or judging their character just because they made a mistake or are having a tough time.
You can use the LYNC Values in Action to see behavior more clearly as communication, and to respond more intentionally, and in a manner that empowers others. When you operate and see things through the lens of these four values, you will be naturally promoting safety and trust, fostering healthy self-determination, working together on the same level, and instilling your belief in others as they solidify that belief more permanently in themselves. Now that is behavior that communicates something good.
“Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.”